How to...Write a Successful Quiefer.
by Alan Smithee
Summary: WARNING: This is not Alan Smithee. This is a different author (who is not Alan Smithee) who took his/her name(Not Alan Smithee's name) off their fic and used the typical film code of "Written by Alan Smithee." It is not the actual Alan Smithee.


"How to Write a Quiefer Fic, or How I learned to stop worrying and Love a Heel Turn."  
  
Hi, everyone! If you can't guess, I am Quistis Trepe, Instructor, SeeD, and all-around bad-ass chick. With me is my student, Seifer Almasy. Say Hi, Seifer...  
"WASSUP?"  
Yes, indeed. Wassup. If you're like us, you've probably noticed that there's a vast majority of fics going through that choose to just suddenly put me and my colleague together for no apparent reason. This is fine, if it's done well. However, we've read all of these fics...  
"Any chance of screwing this and go turn a few of them into reality?"  
NO, Seifer. We've narrowed these down to the main points of these and give you the hot tips to write a Quiefer fic!  
  
Part one: How to make it "believable."  
  
No, we're not going to show you how you make a romance between me and Seifer follow the storyline and be seen as good by almost all writers, we're showing you "Quiefer believability" here so you can just get into that sweet, sweet Quistis/Seifer loving that makes it so popular with Quiefer fans! This is an important lesson to teach people, so I'll do it like I do in class and roll a filmstrip. On the count of three....Roll picture!"  
  
*whirr*  
  
QUIEFER STARTS AND YOU.  
  
"Hi, kids, I'm Alan Smithee. You might remember me from such other educational fanfic filmstrips as...um...well, this is my first one. This is my little friend Timmy!"  
  
"Hi! Unky Alan, I'm trying to write a Quiefer fic, but I don't know how to start it off! It's not shown for any real stuff that would leave me a window..."  
  
"Well, Timmy, there are a few ways to start off a Quiefer. Let's just see a few of the preferred ones...  
  
(The CLOSE to the game parts stuff)  
" It was a dark and stormy night. Quistis was turning around in her bed.   
"Damn, I'm scared, even though everything that was shown in the game and just in general character would say that a person like me couldn't possibly be afraid of the dark..." She suddenly reached over to her side. "Whoa...I miss Seifer, even though everything noted in the game would make me more apt to reach out for Squall instead! I should probably use this opportunity to go and search desperately for Seifer, even though I don't even know if he's alive and am usually level-headed enough to at least sleep on it and go in the morning instead of leaving immediately! Who cares about character? I needs me some Seifer and I needs it now!(From: "Number One Song On TRL yesterday: A Love Story.")"  
  
(The Line Drive into mid-left field stuff.)  
  
"It was another day at Garden. Suddenly, Quistis was drawn into Cid's office.  
"Greetings, Quistis! Do you enjoy the position back as Instructor that I gave you for no apparent reason?" Cid asked.  
"Why, yes! Thank you again..."  
"Listen, today I got off the phone, we've agreed to take Seifer back! Granted, he did go crazy and try to kill all of our students, but he's just so cute..."   
"That's a perfect reason! He must have changed!"  
"Exactly. And, since I could never say no to him, I've allowed him to take his SeeD exam! You're willing to accompany him, even though the fact that he tried to kill you would give you a sane reason to shy away from this mission!"  
"Oh, don't worry! That's why pencils have erasers!"  
"Okay, I'll call him. Seifer..." Suddenly, Seifer showed up in the office. (From: LAST SINGLE OFF LATEST BACKSTREET BOYS CD.)"  
  
(The Out-of-Left-Field stuff.)  
  
"It was another day at Garden. The newly reinstated Instructor Quistis was walking with her new boyfriend, the newly reinstated to Garden and remade SeeD Seifer, mostly because it fit in well with the story. (From: Last Single off Latest N'Sync CD.) "  
  
"Do you have the idea, Timmy?"  
"Sure do, Unky Alan! Now I'm going to go write the bestest Quiefer ever!"  
"You probably will, Timmy. You Probably Will."  
  
(END).  
  
Wasn't that helpful, kids! This should teach you how to start off your Quiefer so that everyone will like it!   
"Yes, but how do they Continue to have a good story? Certainly a Quiefer's start isn't the rest of it?"  
Well, Seifer, they go to the Generic finisher. Here's a look at it (with changes for rating:)  
  
"I love you, Seifer, even though it's PAINFULLY obvious that I'm just transferring my latently unrequited love for Squall onto you, the closest equivalent!"   
"Oh, I don't care! I've always loved you too, Quistis, even though I didn't show any signs of it during the time I was at Garden and tried to kill you many a time...I was just foolish..."   
  
The next area of the story depends on the rating the writer gave it, usually going to the following:  
  
G:  
  
Then they got married and lived happily ever after.  
  
PG.  
  
Then they got married and adopted like a large number of babies.  
  
PG-13:  
  
Then they got married and Quistis had like 10 thousand of Seifer's babies.  
  
R:  
  
Then they got married and had frequent nasty sex.  
  
NC-17:  
  
Then they got married and had frequent nasty sex. Here is an exact documentation of everything they did on their wedding night...  
  
As you can see, Quiefers tend to be, how do you say...PREDICTABLE. But there's the question: Can new ground be explored? It is unknown. Some good writers could probably do some good pieces, and many frequently do. However....Seifer? SEIFER? What are you doing on the computer?  
"Sorry...Did you see this Quiefer, Quisty? This is SO totally Sick! He's...he's making us lick the stuff that came out of a woman after she has her baby off the ground like two dogs! How does this dude get AWAY with shit like this without having people hunt him down to kill him?"  
I don't know, Seifer. You'll have to ask him....Do you people SEE how this couldn't happen? The guy's a lunatic! How could a basically sane girl like me end up his plaything?  
"It's my sex appeal...The chicks dig me, what can I say?"  
"THERE HE IS! GRAB WHAT YOU CAN, GIRLS!"   
"Do you see what I mean...I've got to go...end it up!"  
Well, okay. I hope that this will teach all of you to write the Quiefers that, while often lacking in such things as...plot, characterization, and effort, always manage to grasp the heartstrings of all of those people who just want to see their two favorite characters get it on.Good day... 


End file.
